Chapter III: The Hide and Seek
This chapter tells the longest and the hardest phase of the whole story.
It was true that after the first date, I intended to step away.
As I said, friends don't go out on a date. It was too risky. Well, it wasn’t just about me being scared to get too close to him, but it also about me preventing myself from hurting him. Or to be precised, preventing both of us from hurting each other.
Because heartbreak heals. Guilt doesn’t.
I’ve learned it the hard way.
Gotta stick to the goals, then. Forget the whole thing, leave this place as soon as my business is done... or so I thought.
The problem was, we had quite a bizarre friendship.
We did flirt (funnily) with each other from time to time... as a joke, yet sometimes, as a habit. It became sort of our-thing in a way.
But after it got so nice, I immediately ran as far as possible. I could feel that he did the same. When I wasn't with him, I managed myself with the company of other friends, and then again, so did he. Until we found each other back again.
The problem was, we had quite a bizarre friendship.
We did flirt (funnily) with each other from time to time... as a joke, yet sometimes, as a habit. It became sort of our-thing in a way.
But after it got so nice, I immediately ran as far as possible. I could feel that he did the same. When I wasn't with him, I managed myself with the company of other friends, and then again, so did he. Until we found each other back again.
It went all over like that, for months.
Running away was never an easy task. Especially when the friendship had became a valuable thing for me personally.
Running away was never an easy task. Especially when the friendship had became a valuable thing for me personally.
I learned a lot from him. I actually did.
I learned from the religious way that he lived, he talked, and shared his perspective. It was kind of a treasure friendship, don't you think? When you got positive lessons from your friend for real.
I learned from the religious way that he lived, he talked, and shared his perspective. It was kind of a treasure friendship, don't you think? When you got positive lessons from your friend for real.
But unfortunately, it came along with a price.
***
Between those hide-and-seek moments,
there were two events I remember the most.
It was around December 2016 when we shared some times alone in the class. He was reading some journal and I was on my laptop reading stuffs as well. My heart jumped a bit when he suddenly spoke,
"What are you doing here?"
I looked at him and he turned out staring sharply right into my eyes. Wasn't sure what that's all about, I replied with a rather trembling voice,
"Mmm... pardon?"
He threw his eyes back to his journal, continued to speak without even a glance this time,
"I mean, why are you here with me? Once you said that you approached me because you were curious. Is it still the only reason you're spending time with me?"
"Why? Does it matter?"
(Forgive my insensitive mind. I hate myself sometimes.)
"Yea it does. We've already developed a good trust-building. You're my friend, but it feels like you always find some reasons to call it off.”
I inhaled and exhaled... really deeply.
It would make me a horrible person to run from a friend. Especially from the one who'd trusted you.
"I’m sorry. I'm, I'm here now.” said I.
Then... A smile. Finally.
He was the cutest. He always is.
At this point, I realized the chances I might feel pathetic about myself in the next day, since I have to cope with this confusion.
But I was also aware of the fact that... sooner or later,
I'd say goodbye to this togetherness.
I'd be away.
So I smiled back. And I made him laugh.
The other memorable event was around January 2017, when I decided not to talk to him in class for days, despite the fact that the hide-and-seek-thing between us was still on going.
I thought to myself that I've had enough.
Still, it didn't stop me from caring in silence.
On one particular day, he was really quiet in class. I couldn't help myself to chat him after. Because chatting won't kill,
but,
I was proven wrong. Once again.
But I was also aware of the fact that... sooner or later,
I'd say goodbye to this togetherness.
I'd be away.
So I smiled back. And I made him laugh.
***
The other memorable event was around January 2017, when I decided not to talk to him in class for days, despite the fact that the hide-and-seek-thing between us was still on going.
I thought to myself that I've had enough.
Still, it didn't stop me from caring in silence.
On one particular day, he was really quiet in class. I couldn't help myself to chat him after. Because chatting won't kill,
but,
I was proven wrong. Once again.
C: You seemed quiet earlier. Is something bothering your mind?
G: Yes.
C: Wanna talk about it? You know I'm all ears.
G: Cindy...
C: Yes?
G: After we graduate, I’ll be far away from all of this. Including you.
C: I know. And you know I will too.
G: So?
C: I have to deal with that, don't I?
G: Well, I guess.
C: You know what, let's make a deal! Don't overthink about what will happen in the future, let's just cherish every second we have left. Remember, I got your back.
G: And I got yours :)
G: So?
C: I have to deal with that, don't I?
G: Well, I guess.
C: You know what, let's make a deal! Don't overthink about what will happen in the future, let's just cherish every second we have left. Remember, I got your back.
G: And I got yours :)
C: :)
I felt something punched me hard, right on my chest.
When it comes to him, I will always be a person who’s way better at pretending and running away, rather than holding on. No matter how much, how much... I wanted him to be around.
I knew we’d be away from each other eventually, that was the plan. But when we actually talked about it, it turned out really painful.
As I started to count my days down to our goodbye, something came to my realization:
I am a girl,
who would do everything that she can to please her best friend.
But at the same time,
I am also a girl, who’s scared to death with the idea of falling in love.
Yet she knew she already did.
***
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