Chapter IV: "Enlighten Me."

After I realized that my heart was going out of control, I began hating myself. I hated it. I hated it when the emotions took over.

That time I knew I was going to mess everything up. We both were going to mess everything up.

I lived my days with so much anger. My attempts to brought my logic back, only led me to another self-hating. And I put my distance, further than before.

As bad as the moodswings had taken over my days, I never thought I could ever confront him in any way. But yeah, it did happen. I had a "door-slam", which surprised me myself... for I was never a-girl-who-can-easily-spit-everything-up. I, usually, was doing fine to deal with my own internal conflicts (also with the good laughs I got from my inner circle! 💓)

Part of me is regretting the awful words I told him that day, but another part of me is also sure that, if the confrontation never happened, we would never get to this far.

It all started on March 2017, when our class had a field-trip study out of town. I caught a bad flu.

Everything was supposed to be fine, remembering how we used to, as close friends, always took care of each other when one of us got sick. But that day was different.

He chatted and called, asking if I was okay bla bla bla. I said everything's fine, his attention started to frustrate me. He's being kind? would only make everything worse.

This is so unnecessary, I thought to myself.

Which part of 'I-no-longer-need-your-attention' that this guy doesn't understand?

Then I exploded.

I was really ashamed of myself so I've deleted the actual words I sent him. But it went about something like this: 

C: You really wanna do me a favor? Fine, then do me a favor. Stop being kind to me. All I want is us being normal friends, like we used to. If you're like this, this will only make everything worse.  Chat me if you need help with the tasks, but don't do it if it has nothing to do with any of that.

I turned my phone off after I push 'send'. I knew I screw up. I was officially a master of 'Pushing Away A Person Who's Probably The Only Person That Cares About My-Stupid-Arse'.

***

The next day, of course, I apologized.

My intention was only to say sorry for my bad behavior and to brought his mood back. That was all. We were on a field-trip study for goodness' sake. I had to brought our professionalism back one way or another.

It didn't take long time for us to be close again.

But this time he became more open, more friendly, more... 'I-don't-want-anything-to-happen-to-us-ever-again' kind of thing. He spent the rest of our field-trip activities by my side. I relieved, of course. After all, we did promise to got each other's back in the first place.

But I have to be more assertive to my own heart this time.

I have to figure out how to make peace with my heart without sacrificing our friendship.

At the end of the day, he chatted,
G: However, Cindy, we still need to talk.
C: Yeah, but don't force it. All is good now.

I kept my future goals, away from him, in my head again. I wanted to prepare our farewell as smooth as I could.

***

But, only humans, aren't we?

'The talk' did eventually happen after we got back to dormitory. And it went like how Cady Heron used to call it: "words-vomit".

Or you can also say it was a one-way talking. I was vomiting all the words I could possibly think of, like about in whole 30 minutes. Yet he was just sitting there, watching my circus thoroughly.

Of course, I eventually told him about how I hated myself for having this feeling. And I also told him that this most likely was just a temporary thing, this was just an unwanted effect for being too accustomed with a best friend.

"I guess... this is the right time for you to say something?" I finally managed to stop.

"Besides, you're the one who wanted to have this talk."

I didn't feel desperate enough to wait for his reaction. I was too tired of this emotional explosion and I wanted it to stop. So, without twicely thinking, I got up from my seat and intended to leave after I recon there was no response whatsoever. He was, well... until now, never good at expressing feelings and I was fully aware of that.

I compromised with that fact and just wanted to have some good rest.

After all, there was nothing left to say anymore. And I believed that saying goodbye would be much easier after this.

"Wait," he said. Subtly. 

I stopped my feet.

"Cindy... Don't go... just yet. Would you, would you please try harder?"

All this time, all this time, I've managed myself not to be a crybaby in facing this problem. I hated to cry, and worst of all, to cry in front of him. But his words wrecked my wall. I didn't know what to think toward his riddles anymore (and they say it's women who do riddles 😌). My mouth and my knees started to tremble.

"I... I don't know what to do. Enlighten me."

There. I dropped my first tear for him. My chest burned.

It's ironic to remember that back then... we were just two foolish humans, who thought we can keep everything under our controls,

but we just couldn't.

***